We wrapped up our first Off-Season Training program last night.  It was a 6 month-long adventure in baseball and softball.  We set out to help 22 softball players and 15 baseball players improve their confidence and competence in the sports that they love.  The other coaches and I were blown away by the tremendous gains these kids made, and we're excited to release them fully to their community teams.

At the start, we asked the kids and parents to trust that what would be taught would be developmentally appropriate and full of failure. . .and that would be OK.  We asked the parents for the freedom to coach.  We asked the young athletes for their best efforts.  Thank you to both groups for giving both.

Before we even started, we asked each athlete to fill out a series of questions to help us understand each one as ball players.  We wanted to know about their goals, their strengths, weaknesses, past injuries, and their preferred positions--pretty typical stuff.  One of the last questions though was a little different.  We asked the kids, "What could your parents work on to become better sports parents?"  (I added 'Remember they signed you up for this, paid money, and will be bringing you every time!' -- just in case they might forget to be appreciative during their response.)

Folks, the responses were heartfelt, honest, and worth hearing.  Here's a sampling: 

Be patient with my learning
Stop the in-game feedback
Calm down with umpires, coaches and players
Don't talk to me during games
Not screaming at me 
Quieter from the bleachers
Not looking at me 
Don't be competitive about games
Help me with my confidence ---lots of variations on this one

Certainly times have both changed and really haven't.  As parents we all want something simple: the best for our kids.  And we're going to do the best we know how to get the best for our kids that we can.  Everything that appears in the list above comes from a place of love, and best intentions.  The message is not being received with love and best intentions.  It's being received with judgement attached to the idea that the kids aren't good enough for them to be treated well.  The kids love their parents, and these things certainly taint the relationship, but more often, these bad feelings end up being attached to something that isn't unconditional--the sport.  If the sport is eliminated, so is the source of judgement and hurt.  It becomes better if they quit the sport that they enjoy.

As a sports parent, you love watching your kids play, right?  Of course you do.  Let's keep them playing then.  I have some suggestions about how to help.

Step one is to tell them that you love to watch them play.  That's it. You don't have to go farther than that.  As a parent, that's all the kids want to hear from you.  

When they're with their teams, go away, unless you've been invited to help the team.  If you're not actively engaged with something that a coach has asked you to do, you're lurking -- scram.  It's important for the kids to have relationships without you involved.  This builds independence and unless you want them living with you at 32, this is a safe and important place for young athletes to practice independence.  

During games, here's the good news. . .you still get to talk.  Here's the bad news, you have to watch your language, and where your butt is located.  First, get away from the dugout.  If you feel yourself creeping closer to the dugout, maybe have a designated buddy who can gently pull you away.  Remember that part about building independence and relationships?  Every time you go toward the dugout to tell your ballplayer something, it undermines both their independence and relationships within their teams.  If they need something, they'll call you over, promise.

Is anyone saying you can't cheer?  No way!  Cheering's the best.  Remember though, you are not competing.  Even youth coaches need to keep this in mind.  (if you need a competitive outlet, find one for yourself.  Don't compete through your kids.)  Exciting things happen during sports, and one of the most awesome benefits is sharing the experience.  When you are the cause of the celebration, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world.  Cheer and encourage your heart out.  Keep your words general though  (Crush it Becki!, Come on Tyler!, YAAAAASSSS!) , and never, ever use a child's name at the start of a sentence while 'cheering'.  It can't help but sound like a command for their attention.  

Quick note about yelling at coaches, kids and umpires.  Don't.  Just don't.  It's never a good look.  Ever.  They're all trying their best.  If there's a problem with an opposing player not being safe, let the umpires and coaches sort it out.  If they want your help, they'll ask, but they won't, cuz they don't.  Your yelling at strangers from the stands only scares everyone involved, and if that's your goal, maybe you should be reevaluating what you're doing at a youth sporting event.

After the game, first take a breath.  Check your face to make sure it's not anywhere near the mad, sad, or disappointed end of the spectrum.  That will be interpreted by the kids that you're feeling that way about them.  Even if you are, that's about you, not them.  Don't taint their experience.  Tell them you loved watching them play.  That's it.  Walk out, and maybe make plans to follow the Skittle Rule.

I get the Skittle Rule from my sister, who never sportsed.  But she is a musician and artist.  Her piano teacher and my parents kept a bowl of skittles on the piano.  This simple thing caused her to associate her love of candy with music and practice.  In my family, the Skittle Rule has become the Ice Cream Rule. . .if we have time after games, we always go get some ice cream (usually JDs).  Celebrating a fun game only gets better with ice cream and no loss is ever as bad as it seems if you get some ice cream afterward.  

Finally, can you imagine how difficult it is for professional athletes who either lost or didn't have a good game to be interviewed after a game?  Think about that for a second.  I'll wait. 

Did you actually think about it?  I hope so, because now consider that's what you're doing to a less emotionally mature person when you try to talk with them about the game they just played.  Not good. 

Do this instead. . .tell them you loved watching them play, and follow the Skittle Rule.

In our house, we've established the groundrule that we only talk about games if my kids bring them up.  We rarely talk about games.

Being a part of these kids lives continues to be a privilege, and I hope to continue to have the opportunity to help their confidence and competence grow.  If we keep them playing, I'll always have things to teach.  This game is hard enough.  It's already a game of failure and disappointment. Let's try to keep that disappointment and failure on the field, where it belongs.  

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